Pincelada de humor de 'Los Apuntes Secretos de Sir Francis'.

Sir Francis comparaba a las mujeres con los Continentes, según su edad:

     At 15-18, she’s like Africa, partly virgin and partly explored (como África, en parte virgen y en parte explorada).

     At 19-24, she’s like Australia, highly developed in the built-up areas (como Australia, altamente desarrollada en las áreas urbanizadas).

     At 25-30, like America, highly technical, and always seeking new methods (como América, altamente técnica y buscando siempre nuevos métodos).

     At 31-35,  like Asia, hot and mysterious (como Asia, cálida y misteriosa).

     At 36-45, like Europe, devastated, but still interesting in places (como Europa, desgastada, pero aun interesante en algunos lugares).

     At 46 and on, like Antarctica, everybody knows where it is, but nobody wants to go there (como la Antártida, todo el mundo sabe dónde está, pero nadie quiere ir allí).

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Los Apuntes Secretos de Sir Francis

Tengo el gusto de anunciar a mis seguidores y amigos la publicación, hace unas semanas, del libro Los Apuntes Secretos de Sir Francishttp://www.amazon.es/gp/product/B00TM7ALDS
Con objeto de que puedan hacerse una idea de este divertido manuscrito, les ofrezco en este post la Introducción y una entrada como muestra de este libro:

LOS APUNTES SECRETOS DE SIR FRANCIS

INTRODUCCIÓN

Confieso que tuve mis dudas antes de entregar a la imprenta estos apuntes re­copilados paciente y laboriosamente a lo largo de mis más de veinte años de asis­tencia a las clases de Sir Francis. Como podrán ustedes comprender, no eran consideraciones de índole moral o ética las que me detenían. Creo que afortuna­damente vivimos unos tiempos en los que el tabú del sexo ha sido generalmente superado y puesto en su verdadero plano de libertad para discutirlo y practicarlo en su lugar y momento oportunos. Mis reservas emanaban más bien del temor a dar una imagen equivocada de mi apreciado y respetado profesor de inglés. En efecto, no me gustaría que nadie, después de leer estos apuntes, sacara la impre­sión errónea de que las lecciones de Sir Francis se asemejaban más a un «cursillo pornográfico» que a una auténtica clase de inglés. No, señores, no, las clases de Sir Francis no eran un cursillo de pornografía, aunque creo que la idea de impar­tir un curso de esta índole no es ningún disparate y, llegado el caso, lo habría sabido hacer con «buena nota», sin duda, y, de paso, ¿quién sabe?, a lo mejor, ha­bría ayudado a algunos a aprobar su «asignatura pendiente». Las clases de Sir Francis eran clases de inglés de primera calidad, y este seguro servidor de uste­des, que aprendió en ellas todo el inglés que sabe, inglés que le sirve en su profe­sión y en su vida particular a las mil maravillas, puede dar fe de ello.

Muchas de las frases recogidas en estos apuntes, las más jugosas por cierto, se las oía a Sir Francis en tertulias fuera de clase con, más que alumnos, compañe­ros enseñantes y amigos. En clase, Sir Francis se limitaba a dejar caer algunos de estos giros y expresiones picantes cuando la ocasión lo requería, y lo hacía, según sus propias palabras, «para que estuviéramos debidamente informados y nadie nos pudiera sorprender».

Pero, además, tenía buen cuidado de advertirnos contra su uso ¿indiscrimina­do y a destiempo. Con muy buen criterio, opinaba que estas palabras y expresio­nes tabú, que, no cabe duda, convenía conocer, no debían, sin embargo, ser utilizadas por los no nativos prácticamente en ninguna ocasión. Y esto por varias razones de peso: no sólo por lo malsonantes que pudieran resultar dichas in the wrong place, at the wrong time or in the wrong company (fuera de lugar, a destiempo, o en compañía inadecuada), sino por el efecto de ridículo e hilaridad inevitables que estos dichos provocan en quien los escucha cuando son labios extranjeros los que los pronuncian (imagínense a un subdito de su Graciosa Majestad soltando un rotundo «coño» castellano). Pero está claro que es importante para los alumnos estar bien informados, y era esta consideración la que llevaba a Sir Francis a enseñar estas expresiones tabú a sus alumnos, ya «mayorcitos», por cierto. Por otra parte, y en honor a la verdad, debo decir que Sir Francis tenía elegancia y tacto natos para este menester: siem­pre las daba «de pasada», apoyadas en anécdotas, con múltiples advertencias so­bre el registro de estilo, etc., y, ¡ah!, se me olvidaba: siempre mandaba borrar la pizarra inmediatamente después de escribirlas, con cierto aire «conspirador» que sus alumnos entendíamos y valorábamos, aunque a veces lamentásemos no ha­ber tenido tiempo suficiente para copiarlas.

Aclarado este punto, y, fuera de toda duda, espero, la profesionalidad e integri­dad de mi querido profesor, no creo que el propio Sir Francis se hubiera opuesto a la publicación de estos apuntes. «Llamar a las cosas por su nombre» e «infor­mar al que no sabe» eran dos lemas que repetía con frecuencia, y aunque la asig­natura sea en este caso 'materia reservada', el sexo, según sus propias palabras, puede y deber ser good fun (sana diversión) para las personas de buen humor y espíritu abierto.

Debo advertir a mis lectores que no he añadido ni quitado prácticamente nada a los apuntes de Sir Francis y he procurado reflejar fielmente las expresiones tal como él las daba, incluyendo sus sabrosos comentarios y anécdotas, divertidos juegos de palabras, etc., e incluso unos originales ejercicios (únicos en su género) que en ocasiones nos mandaba hacer. Las traducciones tienen a veces un cierto regusto andaluz, pero esto no debe extrañar a nadie, porque Sir Francis era más andaluz que inglés.

Como ya he apuntado, Sir Francis hace uso de multitud de canciones y versos obscenos, chistes, anécdotas, adivinanzas, etc. para explicar el significado de muchos de los términos tabúes. Mención especial merecen las rugby songs y los limericks. Las rugby songs son canciones que cantan los jugadores de rugby después de los partidos, para celebrar la victoria de su equipo, o consolarse de la derrota, pero siempre con buen humor y los estómagos llenos de vino o cerveza. Aunque el vocabulario sea generalmente actual y el argumento vulgar y de dudoso gusto, las rugby songs resultan muy apropiadas para ilustrar el tipo de lenguaje que nos ocupa.

En cuanto a los limericks, cuya invención se disputan ingleses e irlandeses, en su forma actual tienen acreditada su existencia escrita al menos desde principios del siglo XVII, aunque según el gran especialista Legman (v. bibliografía) son muy anteriores, constituyendo acaso la más antigua forma poética oral en lengua inglesa. Se trata de una estrofa de cinco versos; el 1º, 2º y 5º, de nueve sílabas, y el 3º y 4º, de seis, que riman entre sí. Por sus peculiares características y pautas rítmicas, con pies de tres sílabas, inacentuadas generalmente las dos primeras y acentuada la tercera, componen un tipo de versificación humorística típicamente inglesa, muy díficil de traducir a otros idiomas. Ofrezco, no obstante, las atrevidas versiones de Sir Francis, que aunque no siempre respetan la rima y el ritmo originales, logran a veces sorprendentes efectos de comicidad en español. Especialmente curiosos son los limericks geográficos, en los que aparece algún lugar de las Islas Británicas o de fuera de ella, que Sir Francis, gran conocedor de la geografía española, no duda en adaptar al castellano, para conservar la rima; así, por ejemplo, the old monk of Siberia se convierte en un viejo monje de Zamora y the young man of Kildare, en un joven de Sevilla. Ni que decir tiene que los personajes que aparecen en estos limericks son totalmente imaginarios, y que cualquier parecido con la realidad es mera coincidencia.

Como podrán comprobar, sólo en algunos casos muy patentes se especifica si la expresión es de origen británico o americano. Como bien decía Sir Francis, el lenguaje «porno» inglés, gracias a libros, revistas, películas, vídeos, etc., circu­la libremente de un lado a otro del Atlántico, siendo entendido sin dificultad tan­to en Gran Bretaña como en los Estados Unidos y demás países de habla inglesa, alcanzando incluso en algunos casos nivel internacional de uso. Es un recurso cómodo, empleado con demasiada frecuencia, atribuir todo lo «raro» o «sucio» al inglés americano, como si en América todos fueran unos «sátiros» y en Ingla­terra unos «angelitos». Hay de ambas clases en los dos sitios, y personas «cachondas»[1] de buen humor y que saben valorar «un buen polvo», en todas partes. Y es con esa sincera esperanza con la que dedico estos 'apuntes' a todo el que simple­mente quiera pasar un buen rato con ellos. Al alumno o lector «travieso», que gusta de arañar un poco tratando de descubrir lo que se esconde tras la fachada de un libro, poco puedo decirle, ya que supongo que hace rato habrá adivinado que todo esto no es sino un pretexto más o menos literario para «adornar» un pequeño diccionario de términos picantes, tabúes en su mayor parte. Por últi­mo, a los que todavía «se rasgan las vestiduras» con este tipo de cosas, les diré, en frase de Sir Francis: «¿Qué pueden importar, después de todo, unas cuantas palabras de cuatro letras (four-letter words = tacos) a ese chiste cósmico que es el hombre? ».

 UN ALUMNO DE SIR FRANCIS

Nota importante:  Cualquier parecido de Sir Francis con algún profesor, español o ex­tranjero, presente, pasado o futuro, es mera coincidencia.

 NOTA DE LOS EDITORES

El manuscrito de estos apuntes fue encontrado por el profesor Sánchez Benedito en un desván de un viejo cottage del condado de Cheshire. Todas las pes­quisas por descubrir al propietario de aquellos papeles fueron infructuosas. Decidimos darlos a la imprenta tras considerar que era una pena que se perdiera un trabajo de investigación del lenguaje popular como el realizado por un alum­no de Sir Francis[2]. Algunos lectores especialmente sensibles podrán quizá sor­prenderse del desenfado con el que el desconocido autor de los Apuntes trata estos temas relacionados con el sexo. Nosotros creemos que el mundo de un idioma va más allá de todo convencionalismo, discurre torrencial como el pulso de la vida y en realidad no conoce otra frontera que la muy gélida de la incomunicación.

La portada de este libro es obra de Antonio Tello Gil.

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[1] En el sentido andaluz de ‘alegres’.

[2] ¿Quién era Sir Francis? Creemos fundadamente que se trata de un seudónimo, pues ni la dueña de la casa ni nadie de la vecindad habían oído jamás este nombre

ENTRADA DE MUESTRA

make love. To make love, hacer el amor (v. tamb. love);

     He aquí otro limerick que Sir Francis solía citar co­mo típico ejemplo de humor inglés:

     A reckless young man from Fort Blaney

     Made love to a spinster named Janie.

            When his friends said, «Oh dear,

            She's so old and queer.»

     He replied, «But the day was so rainy!»

     Un temerario joven de Fort Blaney

     Le hizo el amor a una solterona llamada Janey.

     Cuando sus amigos le dijeron, «¡Pero alma mía,

     Es tan vieja y tan rara la tía!»

     El replicó: «¡Pero, y el agua que caía ese día!»

    

     No está mal como humor inglés, pero a mí me divertía más cuando, llegado a este punto, comparaba la forma de hacer el amor de la mujer inglesa y la francesa. Sir Francis, que según dicen, tenía una secreta admiración por la mujer francesa —aunque yo diría más bien por la mujer universal—, gustaba de mencionar la conocida comparación del Mayor Thompson[1], que había estado casado dos veces, primero con una inglesa y en segundas nupcias con una francesa.

     Decía que la inglesa, fiel a la tradición británica de considerar el amor más como deber conyugal que como placer (otro cliché más, v. French letter), terminado el acto decía: «Do you feel better, darling?» («¿Te sientes me­jor, cariño?»), mientras que la francesa, más de acuerdo con la concep­ción latina de la vida, decía: «Ça t'a plu, chéri?» («¿Te ha gustado, cari­ño?»). Sir Francis añadía por su cuenta que la española solía decir: «¡Otro, por favor!», lo que provocaba no pocas risitas entre el alumnado femeni­no (la inmensa mayoría, por cierto).

     Pero dentro de esta tradición de «No sex, please, we're British» («Nada de sexo, por favor, que somos británi­cos»), el chiste más divertido que Sir Francis contaba cuando se encontra­ba «en vena» era el de aquel capitán inglés que en un bar de oficiales, tra­tando de congraciarse con su coronel, lo invita sucesivamente a un whisky, a un jerez y a una cerveza, a lo que invariablemente el coronel respondía (con ese estilo recortado británico que tan bien se le daba a  Sir Francis): «No, thanks, tried it once, didn't like it.» («No, gracias, lo probé una vez y no me gustó»). El capitán, desalentado por su poco éxito, va a marcharse ya cuando en ese momento entra una joven en el bar, y el coronel, que se da cuenta que quizá ha estado un poco seco con el capitán, y quiere arre­glar las cosas, le dice: «Wait a minute, captain, I'd like to introduce my daughter to you.» («Espere un momento, capitán, me gustaría presentarle a mi hija»), a lo que el capitán responde: «Your only daughter, I presume, sir.» («Hija única, supongo, señor»).

     Ante esta fina muestra de humor in­glés, los afortunados que se enteraban (Sir Francis lo contaba todo en in­glés, naturalmente) se reían de buena gana. A los que no se reían, Sir Fran­cis los obsequiaba con otra anécdota, la de aquel capitán de barco que te­nía la costumbre de reunir a los marineros en cubierta para contarles chis­tes con los que sus hombres se «retorcían» de risa. Pero una vez, al observar a uno que no se reía, preguntó: «What's the matter with that one, doesn't he like my jokes?» («¿Qué le pasa a ése, ¿no le gustan mis chistes»), a lo que le contestaron: «No, captain, it's only that he doesn't belong to this ship.» («No, capitán; es que no pertenece a este barco»). Si todavía había quien no se reía, Sir Francis recurría a uno de los «empollones» para que tradujera al español, y al final todo el mundo se reía, porque, ¿quién era el guapo o la guapa que se arriesgaba a que Sir Francis le espetara: «You don't belong to this class?» («¿No pertenece usted a esta clase?»).

     Pero de todos los chistes que nos contó Sir Francis, el más representativo del humor inglés es sin duda el de aquella familia inglesa a la hora del té. Os lo cuento, aun a sabiendas de que en el relato escrito se pierde la expresividad de los gestos y ademanes de Sir Francis, tan característicos de la flema británica, pero bueno, siempre está la imaginación: Se encuentran el padre, la madre y su hija, sentados en el living a las cinco de la tarde, cuando el padre reclama su taza de té. La madre y la hija le espetan que si quiere tomar el té, tendrá que hacerlo él mismo. Al padre, que no está muy por la labor, se le ocurre una idea: “Voy a contar hasta tres y, a partir de ahí, el primero que diga una palabra hace el té.” A la madre y a la hija les parece bien y, a partir de ese instante, un profundo silencio se cierne sobre el cuarto de estar. En ese momento, aparece el novio de la niña, saluda a la familia y se sienta con ellos, pero nadie le dirige una palabra. Transcurrido un buen rato y, aburrido por el prolongado silencio, el joven exclama: “What a bore! I’m going to make love to my girlfriend.” (¡qué aburrimiento!, voy a hacer el amor con mi novia). Lo hace con ella en la alfombra, ante el asombro de los padres, que no dan crédito a sus ojos, pero que no pueden decir nada porque enconces tendrían que hacer el té. Terminado el acto, el descarado joven vuelve a sentarse en el sofá, como si tal cosa. Pasada otra media hora de tedioso silencio, le echa una mirada a la madre de su novia y piensa: “No está tan mal mi futura suegra; me la voy a tirar también.” Y ni corto ni perezoso, se la lleva a la alfombra y se repite el procedimiento. Al marido, rojo de ira, le cuesta un mundo contener su indignación, pero claro, no puede decir nada, porque entonces tendría que hacer él el té. Pasado otro buen rato, el joven, cada vez más aburrido, se levanta y anuncia: “I’m going to go to the kitchen to make some tea.” (voy a ir a la cocina a hacer un poco de té). Pone agua a calentar en un cacharro, pero al retirarlo de la candela, se quema ligeramente en un dedo de la mano. Vuelve al salón y le pregunta al padre de su novia: “Have you got some vaseline?” (¿tiene un poco de vaselina?). Entonces, su ‘suegro’ se levanta y exclama: “All right, I’ll make the tea!” (de acuerdo, yo hago el té).

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[1] Pierre Dañinos, Les Carnets du Major Thompson.

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Historias y humor: The Famous Psychiatrist

Here's the story The Famous Psychiatrist from my book Short Stories to Hep You Increase Your Vocabulary http://www.amazon.es/gp/product/B00PPCRKRY, I hope you like it:

UNIT 7 THE FAMOUS PSYCHIATRIST

When a woman is talking to you, listen to what she says with her eyes. (Victor Hugo)

His name was Charles D. and he was famous. People talked and talked about the miraculous results he got, and his methods were beginning to be copied by some Harley Street specialists. Only very well-off people could afford to pay his fees, and they had to book at least six months in advance for treatment. Charles had truly made it in life, but the secret of his success couldn’t have been more simple: he just knew how to listen; in fact, he was the perfect listener. He was very honest and straightforward with his would-be patients and they knew what to expect when they came to his surgery: they bought an hour of his time and during those sixty minutes he was there to listen to whatever they wanted to say about themselves or about the world. And most of them did talk about themselves and the problems that were worrying them. And he listened to them attentively, interested, concerned, without ever asking personal questions, passing judgment, or even giving an opinion. And it worked: people knew very well why they were in his surgery and the high price they were paying for it, but they soon forgot about it, and as they kept talking, they got to see themselves as they really were, and they began to feel better, to relax.

Charles never pretended to be a confessor, a friend, a comrade, or anything like that. He was just a listener, the ideal listener. For him, his patients were people who needed medical help, true, but first and foremost they were human beings in search of their real identity, and they had to find it by themselves, the only way he could help them being listening to them for an hour a week. And during that hour they could say whatever they pleased. There were no constraints: they could speak, shout, whisper, cry, laugh, they could use foul language if they liked, curse if they wanted. He just listened and showed understanding. Not that he was always silent,  he occasionally made casual remarks, asked them if they felt like a cup of tea or coffee, or a drink, and sometimes he went as far as asking them if they liked the pictures in his surgery, especially the Matisse he was obviously so proud of.

Sylvia, his 7 to 8 patient this evening, knew all this about the eminent psychiatrist whom a close friend had advised her to see, but she had hesitated to come to his surgery. She wasn’t sure if it had been a good choice. Her doubts had nothing to do with his qualifications for she knew she would be in the best professional hands; nor were there any money problems: she was the editor of a well-known women’s magazine, and she was wealthy enough to afford any whim, but still...It was the first time she had required the services of a psychiatrist, so that she was a bit nervous when she entered the surgery at seven sharp. And the first thing that struck her was the surgery itself, if it could be called a surgery, for it looked like an elegant living room in an elegant country house rather than a doctor’s consulting room. Comfortable armchairs, a sofa with plenty of soft feather cushions, a well-stocked bar, a hi-fi set, a glass-topped low round table with lots of trendy magazines, shelves filled with books, tasteful ornaments and family photographs – the personal touch -, good pictures on the walls – gosh, a Matisse! One felt immediately at ease in this atmosphere; and that was indeed the idea. That’s where Charles D’s originality lay. During their weekly session – and that was one of his golden rules: never more than one visit a week – patients were at liberty to do as they pleased: they could sit, stand, pace the room, lie on the sofa, even do push-ups on the carpeted floor if the fancy took them.

As she looked at the handsome middle-aged doctor in his mid-forties, his temples going grey already, she immediately realized that the rumours she had heard about his frivolity were entirely groundless. Word had got around that he chatted up some of his rich, beautiful patients, but it was obvious at once, just by looking at this discreet, reserved man, with that worldly half-smile on his lips, that if any of his classy clients had ever had designs on him and made advances to him, she would have promptly met with a barrier of ice. And those accusations of orgies being held in the surgery, simply ridiculous: people had evidently been misled by the group therapy sessions he sometimes organized...

Sylvia, a slim green-eyed blonde, going on for forty, but still extremely attractive, had dressed with special care for this first visit, and she knew she was looking really smart in her light grey tailored suit with handbag and shoes to match – not that she was out to seduce the doctor. Or was she? She lit a cigarette and started to tell him right away about her problems: she was quite worried, she felt off balance, had lost control of her own life, and she was beginning to fear for her peace of mind. She didn’t tell him much the first day, but she did tell him that her marriage was going to the dogs, that her husband had lost all interest in her, that he never looked at her, seldom listened to her, didn’t seem to notice her. She told him that much only, but she already felt relieved. She was beginning to think that it had been a good idea to come to this doctor...

On her second visit – there was no limit to the number of sessions Charles’s patients took, and it was the patients themselves who decided when they were cured – she was more explicit: she told him about the other man, Albert. He was her husband’s lawyer and intimate friend, so it was really no trouble at all for her to meet him as often as she liked. Albert had always flirted with her innocently enough, but recently since her marriage wasn’t working any longer, he had been more and more daring. They often played tennis together, and at that party two months ago he had made some overt passes at her. She had been flattered and faintly amused, but apart from that...Not that she would have any problems deceiving her husband if she wanted to. He was so busy, he lived in a world of his own, and she had all the freedom she wanted. The main obstacle to overcome was she, herself, her way of life, her education. Like most women of her age, she had been brought up to be a faithful wife and a loving mother, and adultery really went against the grain...The doctor listened to her, attentive, polite, concerned as he sipped his Scotch, and she could see why he was so fashionable, so popular with the members of the gentler sex. He sat there next to her, so close and yet, so distant...

Then the following week, on her third visit, she told him that it had happened. She was happy, she had found herself at last. It was great to feel desired as a woman again. She was cured, there would be no more visits...She had not thought it possible, but this afternoon at Albert’s office it had happened. Not everything, of course, just a few kisses and some hand holding – to think that not so long ago her husband and she used to hold hands in the cinema like a couple of teenage lovers -, but she had given him a date. He had been so insistent that she had finally promised to go to his apartment the next evening, not knowing at the time whether she would keep her word or not; but now she had made up her mind, now she was sure she would go. She would tell her husband that she was having dinner with some school friends of hers she had not seen for ages, and she would spend the evening and part of the night with Albert, in his bed, in his arms...”For goodness’ sake, Sylvia, spare me the details, I’m not made of stone”, the doctor interrupted her flow of words. She could not believe her ears: the man of iron had softened, the statue of ice had melted at last...and as she picked up her gloves and handbag to leave, she looked with playful eyes at her husband, who was no longer smiling, and she knew her choice of psychiatrist had been the right one...

                                                                      

7.1 reading comprehension questions

a.- Why had Charles D. become so famous?

b.- Describe his surgery.

c.- Was the doctor’s reputation as a libertine justified?

d.- What was Sylvia like?

e.- What do you think had been Sylvia’s purpose in going to Charles D’s surgery?

f.- What did she tell the doctor on her first visit?

g.- And on her third?

h.- Give your own ending to the story.

i.- Are you for or against divorce? Why/why not? Discuss.

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Selección de mis posts favoritos - 7

'Talking Statues', a sci-fi storyhttp://sanchezbenedito.blogspot.com.es/2014/11/historias-y-humor-talking-statues.html

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Selección de mis posts favoritos - 5

Twelve beloved historic English pubshttp://sanchezbenedito.blogspot.com.es/2014/08/12-beloved-historic-english-pubs.html

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Selección de mis posts favoritos - 4

'The Whip Scene', una hilarante escena de la película 'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels'http://sanchezbenedito.blogspot.com.es/2014/10/the-whip-scene-from-film-dirty-rotten.html

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Selección de mis posts favoritos- 3

'The rain in Spain' from My Fair lady musicalhttp://sanchezbenedito.blogspot.com.es/2014/10/my-fair-lady-rain-in-spain.html

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Selección de mis posts favoritos-2

Ben & Hollyhttp://sanchezbenedito.blogspot.com.es/search/label/Ben%20and%20Holly, an amusing story for children.

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Selección de mis posts favoritos - 1

Ejercicios de transformación gramatical con respuestas comentadashttp://sanchezbenedito.blogspot.com.es/2014/09/ejercicios-de-transformacion-gramatical_29.html 

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Invitation to Murder: Suggestions for exploiting the story in the classroom

Here are some suggestions to exploit the story 'Invitation to Murder'http://sanchezbenedito.blogspot.com.es/2014/12/historias-y-humor-invitation-to-murder.html in the classroom for the students' benefit:

Role-play

Inspector Caulder and Sergeant Turner discuss the case.

Motives

State the motives each of the following characters in the story may have had to murder Lord Thumbleton:

Barton -

Borderlow -

Helen - 

Miss Prescott -

Salford - 


Synonyms 

Find synonyms or near-synonyms for the following words and expressions:

a.- to do sb in -

b.- astonished - 

c.- bewildered

d.- cunning

e.- to impersonate

f.- to take one’s own life

Antonyms

Find antonyms for the following words:

a.-comfortable

b.- to fail

c.- guilty

d.- harmless

e.- irrelevant

f.- needy

Partitives 

Fill in the blanks with an adequate partitive, then translate into Spanish:

1.- a .... of chocolate                            

2.- a .... of soap                                

3.- a .... of furniture                      

4.- a .....of sugar                          

5.- a .... of wind                                

6.- a .... of fog/mist                           

7.- a .... of laughter                           

8.- a .... of toast                                

9.- a .... of salt                      

10.- a ....of good/bad weather            

Unless

Re-write the following sentences using unless without changing the meaning:

  a.- Don’t format the hard disk without backing it up first

  b.- You will be taken to court if you don’t pay up

  c.-  The lid will leak if you don’t do it up tightly

  d.- If I can borrow my brother’s motorbike, I’ll be able to get there by 9 o’clock

  e.- Without a change in their attitude, they’ll never be champions

  f.- There will be no Christmas bonus this year if you don’t make greater efforts to sell more

Ways of killing

  Fill in the blanks with the appropriate verb from the lexical field of killing:

     a.- Martin Luther King was ............ in Memphis in 1968

     b.- The jury found him guilty of ........... not murder

     c.- More than 300 people were killed in the battle; it was a real ...........

     d.- The prisoner will be .......... next Monday

     e.- The horse was suffering badly from its wounds, so its owner had to ...... it ......

     f.- The gunman opened fire with a machine gun and ......... at least ten people

     g.- The two gangsters were ........ at the pizza parlor

     h.- The lambs will be taken to the village abattoir to be ...........

Idioms

Complete the following sentences:

1.- If you want to adopt a child, you have to fill in a lot of forms. There’s a lot of .......tape

          a.- black; b.- red; c.- brown

     2.- I wouldn’t do that for all the tea in ...........

          a.- China; b.- India; c.- Russia

3.- “How do you know that George’s going to be promoted?” “I got it straight from the........mouth”

          a.- bull’s; b.- dog’s; c.- horse’s

     4.- The boss ....... him on the carpet for being late to work

          a.- had; b.- set; c.- laid

5.- You could have knocked me down with a .......... when I heard they were divorcing

     a.- hammer; b.- feather; c.- pin

6.- It’s a high salary for an easy job. It’s money for .........

     a.- biscuit; b.- butter; c.- jam

7.- Now they want me to work overtime without any money compensation. That’s the last ..........

     a.- drop; b.- grain; c.- straw

8.- I’m not saying that thieves should be ill-treated, but I don’t think they should be handled with ......gloves either

     a.- leather; b.- kid; c.- silk

9.- They hadn’t been on speaking terms for years, but then one day they decided to bury the ........... and be friends

     a.- hatchet; b.- gun; c.- knife

10.- The pension she gets from the government is scarcely enough to keep the ....... from the door

     a.- wolf; b.- dogs; c.- rats

Phonetics: Silent 'b'

The 'b' is not pronounced in the words debt and debtor, appearing in the story. What other words do you know with a silent 'b'? 

KEY

Role-play : students' own answers, taking the story as a basis

Motives: students' own answers, taking the story as a basis

Synonyms:

a.- to kill, to murder
b.- surprised, amazed, astounded
c.- baffled, puzzled, perplexed
d.- clever, astute, crafty
e.- to pass oneself off as
f.- to commit suicide, to kill oneself

Antonyms

a.- uncomfortable
b.- to succeed
c.- not guilty, innocent
d.- harmful
e.- relevant
f.- rich, wealthy, well-off


Partitives

1.- a bar/square/piece of chocolate – una barrita/tableta/onza/pedazo de chocolate

2.- a bar/cake of soap – una pastilla de jabón

3.-a pìece/an item of furniture – un mueble

4.- a cube/lump of sugar - un terrón de azúcar

5.- a gust/puff of wind – una ráfaga/una racha de viento

6.- a patch of fog/mist – un banco de niebla/neblina

7.- a peal/roar of laughter – una carcajada

8.- a piece of toast – una tostada

9.- a grain/pinch of salt – un grano/una pizca de sal

10.- a spell of good/bad weather – una racha de buen/mal tiempo

Unless

Suggested answers: 

a.- Don’t format the hard disk unless you have backed it up first

b.- Unless you pay up, you’ll be taken to court

c.- Unless you do up the lid tightly, it will leak

d.- Unless I can borrow my brother’s motorbike, I won’t be able to get there by 9 o’clock

e.- Unless they change their attitude, they’ll never be champions

f.- Unless you make greater efforts to sell more, there will be no Christmas bonus this year.

Ways of killing a.- assassinated; b.- manslaughter; c.- massacre; d.- executed; e.- finish off; f.- mowed down; g.- bumped off/knocked off/ done in; h.- slaughtered/butchered

Idioms

1-b; 2-a; 3-c; 4-a; 5-b; 6-c; 7-c; 8-b; 9-a; 10-a

Phonetics: Silent 'b'

- The 'b' is silent in words ending in mb and derived: bomb (bomba), bomber (bombardero), to climb (escalar), climber (escalador), comb (peine), crumb (migaja), dumb (mudo), lamb (cordero), limb (miembro, extremidad), plumb (plomada), plumber (fontanero), thumb pulgar), tomb (tumba), etc.

- the 'b' is also silent before 't' in words like: debt (deuda), debtor (deudor), doubt (duda), doubtful (dudoso), doubtless (indudable), undoubtedly (indudablemente), subtle (sutil), subtlety (sutileza), etc. 

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Historias y humor: Invitation to Murder

Os ofrezco hoy una historia de mi libro Short Stories to Help You Increase Your Vocabulary, ya agotado.
'Invitation to Murder', que hoy comparto con vosotros, es una historia policíaca, que leía en alguna ocasión a mis alumnos en la Universidad, y que ellos disfrutaban escuchándola, animándose incluso a veces a representarla en clase. Recuerdo un grupo que elaboró un corto muy original basado en la misma, que me pareció verdaderamente genial.
Otra actividad consistía en leerles sólo hasta el momento en que el inspector revela quién es el asesino y las razones que le llevaron a esa conclusión (los dos últimos párrafos). Entonces yo les invitaba a proponer su propio culpable y el por qué de su suposición. De esta manera, pasaban un buen rato a la vez que practicaban la expresión oral. Al final, yo les leía el resto de la historia que, la mayoría de las veces, les pillaba totalmente por sorpresa. 
En realidad, mi historia es de intención puramente pedagógica, sin pretensiones literarias de ningún tipo, aunque podía entenderse también, en cierto modo, como parodia de Hercule Poirot, el famoso detective belga en muchas novelas de Agatha Christie y del capitán Arthur Hastings, su inseparable amigo. Poirot era presentado por la autora como una figura un tanto ridícula, con su cabeza en forma de huevo y su gran bigote tieso tipo militar, pero estaba dotado de un increíble talento para resolver cualquier misterio y descubrir al asesino o a la asesina por ingeniosos que estos fueran. El Capitán A. Hastings, por su parte, era descrito como un personaje algo torpe, que intentaba ayudar a Poirot a resolver el caso, pero cuyas conclusiones resultaban siempre erróneas. En mi historia, estos dos papeles recaen respectivamente sobre el inspector Caulder y el sargento Turner.
Bueno, aquí os dejo, sin más preámbulos, la historia y algunas preguntas de comprensión sobre la misma:

INVITATION TO MURDER

Murder is always a mistake – one should never do anything one cannot talk about after dinner. (Oscar Wilde)

The police car went round a sharp bend and Thumbleton Manor appeared in the distance. Inspector Caulder of Scotland Yard smiled to himself. The complicated case he had been called upon to solve had all the ingredients of a Conan Doyle or Agatha Christie classic. The setting, the characters, nothing was missing, but he was no Sherlock Holmes or Hercule Poirot, nor did he have a Watson or a Hastings at hand to help him out.

Invitation to Murder would no doubt be an appropriate title for the corresponding thriller. In fact, Lord Thumbleton, the prestigious judge, must have been mad to invite that group of people to spend the weekend in his country house, for unless one is tired of living and wants to commit suicide – and this wasn’t Lord Thumbleton’s case, as he certainly knew how to enjoy life – it isn’t wise to invite someone who hates one’s guts, and he had asked over Barton, whose father he had sent to the gallows, and Borderlow, the infamous swindler, who was indebted to him for spending a quarter of his life in prison. It had not been a bright idea, either, to invite Helen, his own wife, from whom he had been separated for over two years, especially when she was aware that Miss Prescott, her husband’s secretary and mistress, would be of the party. And to complete the picture, among the guests would be Salford, his lawyer, whom Lord Thumbleton had sufficient reasons to distrust since he had discovered by chance that he had been carrying on for six months with Miss Prescott, of all women. With these antecedents in mind, it was logical to expect that Lord Thumbleton would be murdered, and it only remained to know who was to beat the others in this race to crime.

The car had reached the house and the inspector could see his man, Sergeant Turner, waiting for him outside, and judging from the satisfied grin on his face, he must have already caught the murderer, or at least have a pretty good idea about who the criminal might be. “Good evening, Sir, everything’s in order, and I think that...” “Just a moment, Turner”, the inspector interrupted him, “before you report about your inquiries, I’d like to have a look at the suspects’ statements. I know you’re an orderly man, and I’m sure you’ve kept your notes.” “Yes, of course, everything’s here, Sir”, said the sergeant producing his pad, “but I have good reasons to believe that...” “All right, Sergeant, but give me some time to guess for myself. As is customary in these cases, take me to the library and have somebody bring me a good cup of tea.” “Very well, Sir”. Though somewhat disappointed by the inspector’s reluctance to hear his clever conclusions, the Sergeant led his superior to the library, asked the maid for two cups of tea and waited impatiently to be given the opportunity to explain himself.

The inspector sat down quietly in one of the comfortable armchairs, and as he sipped his tea, he began to get acquainted with the facts. Lord Thumbleton had dropped dead at about two after drinking a cup of coffee. According to the witnesses’ testimony, all the suspects had been present when tea and coffee had been served in the living room: his wife, his mistress, his lawyer, the hanged man’s son and the ex-convict, but there was a small detail, apparently irrelevant, that struck him as curious nonetheless. Lord Thumbleton, who always had tea after lunch, today had had coffee instead. Had he sensed the danger and substituted coffee for tea to throw off his would-be murderer? If so, it had all been to no avail. He went on reading, but the statements did not tell him much, except that it was Miss Prescott who would benefit the most from the late Lord Thumbleton’s will. Apart from a small pension for his widow, he left his secretary and mistress everything (which did not amount to much anyway, after all his gambling debts had been paid off). Well, well, he thought, now we have the motive, and motive is essential in a murder case, but hatred or jealousy can be equally important...

The inspector finished his reading and turning to the sergeant snapped: “Well, Turner, out with it, who’s our murderer?” “Don’t worry, Sir, everything’s under control, I have one of my men watching him. Kinderley can’t escape.” “Kinderley?”, the inspector was puzzled, “who on earth is this Kinderley?” “The butler, Sir. I found the jewels and the silver cutlery in his suitcase. The bird was about to fly – “Kinderley, a murderer?”, the inspector couldn’t help bursting out laughing, but seeing that the sergeant was not amused, he hastened to add: “you did well, Turner, to arrest the petty thief, but it’s evident that we can’t charge him with murder. If you question him again, you’ll find that our man knew Thumbleton Manor was going to be closed down and his services would no longer be necessary, so he thought he was entitled to a little extra silver handshake; the chap’s guilty of stealing, but murdering Lord Thumbleton is another story; no, I’m afraid we’ll have to go on looking.” His momentary disappointment over, the sergeant ventured to say: “Well, if you allow me, Sir, I think it’s obvious that Miss Prescott did it, I’ll arrest her...” “Wait a minute, Turner, you can’t charge Miss Prescott with anything, except perhaps attempted murder. If you go over the statements again, you’ll find that someone said, I think it was Borderlow, that Miss Prescott offered her employer a cup of tea, saying: “Here’s your tea, Lord Thumbleton, as you like it, with two lumps of sugar and a slice of lemon.” She was clearly upset when he had preferred coffee, and quickly took the cup back to the kitchen. If we’re lucky and nobody has washed up yet, we’ll find a trace of poison in the cup that will allow us to charge Miss Prescott and her new lover, the lawyer, with attempted murder, but we’re still left with the actual murder of Lord Thumbleton on our hands, unsolved...” “Then, it must be the wife”, said a more and more baffled sergeant. “No”, the inspector said calmly, “if we are to believe Hobson, the stable lad, Lady Thumbleton had chosen a different method to do her husband in, which obviously failed too when, on some pretext or other, he begged off his customary morning ride on his favourite horse which, curiously enough, for no apparent reason, reared up and bolted that very morning...Nor can we accuse young Barton, or Borderlow, unless murderous wishes can be counted as the real thing.

No, Turner, if there’s a culprit in this case it’s Lord Thumbleton himself.” “You mean he took his own life?” “No, I mean he was too clever by half when he planned his cunning invitation to murder.” “I don’t understand, Sir, Lord Thumbleton’s dead...” “On the contrary, he’s alive and kicking, and if you hurry you’ll be able to arrest him at Heathrow as he gets off the plane from Paris in about two hours’ time, and charge him with the murder of Richard Thumbleton, his twin brother.” The sergeant was astonished. “But, but...”, he stammered, “he could hardly kill his brother if he was in Paris...” “With a bit of luck, we’ll find Lord Thumbleton’s fingerprints on the box of tablets his brother had every day after lunch, tablets that were cunningly replaced by others with a deadly dose of cyanide.”

And his clever deductions made, Inspector Caulder, as in any good novel of the genre, lit his pipe and began to explain everything to his bewildered subordinate: “The idea had occurred to Lord Thumbleton when visiting his twin brother in Paris. Harassed by his debtors, he thought a good way to outwit his enemies and collect the substantial life insurance he had taken out naming his brother as beneficiary was to stage this macabre invitation to murder in his Manor House. For a small sum of money, he must have persuaded his needy bohemian brother to impersonate him, assuring him it was all part of a harmless practical joke on his friends and lover. And the joke had proved fatal to poor Richard.

Reading comprehension questions

a.-Why is Invitation to Murder an appropriate title for this story according to the narrator?

b.-Why was Sgt Turner grinning as he waited for the inspector?

c.- What had Kinderley done and why?

d.- What were the terms of Lord Thumbleton’s will?

e.- Why do you think Lord Thumbleton’s horse had reared up and bolted?

f.- Make up a conversation between Inspector Caulder and Sgt Turner

g.- Before you read the last two paragraphs of the story, make a list of the suspects and say who the murderer is in your opinion and why?

h.- What had really happened?

i.- How do you think the story ends?

j.- Do you like reading detective novels? What kind of books do you prefer? Who is your favourite writer and why?

KEY (suggested answers)

a.- Because it seemed as if Lord Thumbleton wanted to be murdered, having invited people who all had sufficient reasons to wish him dead.

b.- Because he thought he had caught the murderer.

c.- He had stolen some jewels and the silver cutlery, which he saw as a compensation for his imminent dismissal when Thumbleton Manor was closed down.

d.- He was leaving everything he had, except a small pension for his widow, to Miss Prescott, his secretary and mistress.

e.- Because his wife, Lady Thumbleton, had probably given the horse something to make it rear up and bolt.

f.- Students’ own answers.

g.- Miss Prescott and her new lover, because she knew she was the main beneficiary of her employer’s will.

     Barton, to avenge his father.

     Borderlow, to take vengeance on Lord Thumbleton, who had sent him to prison.

     Helen, because her husband had cheated on her.

h.- Lord Thumbleton had persuaded his twin brother to impersonate him, and then killed him by putting poison in the tablets he knew his brother always had after lunch, with the intention of collecting afterwards the substantial life insurance which he had taken out naming his brother as beneficiary.

i.- Students’ own answers. Suggestions: 1.- Lord Thumbleton is arrested at the airport. 2.- He manages to escape. 3.- His plane crashes on landing.

j.- Students’ own answers

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Talking Statues: mutilated text (2nd part)

Here you have the mutilated text of the 2nd part of the interview to Henry VIII's statuehttp://sanchezbenedito.blogspot.com.es/2014/11/historias-y-humor-talking-statues.html. I invite you to fill in the blanks. To help you, I give you the first letter of every word omitted:


J: Well, it was Jane Seymour, your third wife, who finally g..... birth, in 1537, to a son, Prince Edward, the future Edward VI. You must have been very h.... the day he was born?


H: Yes, it was, without a doubt, the happiest day of my life, and the e..... was celebrated all over the country, but my happiness soon t....... to sorrow. It had been a difficult d....., and Jane died 12 days later from an infection.


J: Well, in any case, you had at last the male heir you had so l.... wished for, why then did you have to marry Anne of Cleves, your fourth wife, a German lady who cannot be s..... to have been a paragon of beauty, her face a..... being pock-marked and her laugh resembling a horse's n.......?


H: She was not as ugly and disagreeable as you are making her o....to be, but it is true that I was misled by a much too flattering p...... Hans Holbein the Younger had painted of her a.... my request, and indeed when we first met, I found she was quite unattractive. I married her n....... in an attempt to ensure my succession. I was worried about Edward. The royal doctors had told me that the Prince's health was poor, and I somehow sensed that he wouldn't outlive me b.... many years.


J: Anyway, it seems that you could not o....... the revulsion Anne's hideous looks made you feel, t..... the extent that it was rumoured you could not even make love to her. T....., less than six months after you had married her, you expressed your desire to annul the marriage so that you could w..... another. Anne had the g..... sense to confirm that the marriage had never been consummated, probably s....... her life by her admission.


H: Yes, the marriage was dissolved, but we r......... good friends. Anne received the title of 'The King's Sister', two houses and a g......... allowance.


J: Well, free again, you married for the fifth time, the woman of your c....... being now the young and beautiful Catherine Howard, Anne Boleyn's cousin and her lady-in-waiting. But the marriage to Catherine didn't l....... long either, as she was, like her cousin Anne had been, b...... But why did you have her beheaded?


H: Well, she was found guilty of a........, this time without the shadow of a doubt so, m....... to my regret, the only thing I could do was to order her e....... to safeguard my honour.


J: Finally, in 1543, four years b........ your death, you married the wealthy widow Catherine Parr, your sixth and last wife. What can you tell me about her?


H: Catherine p...... to be a good choice. She looked a..... me, patiently enduring my frequent changes of m......., brought about by my painful disease and, soon after we were married, she persuaded me to be r...... with my daughters Mary and Elizabeth who, through An A..... of Parliament, were duly put back in the l...... of succession after Edward, Prince of Wales.


J: And they both became Queens in due t......: first Mary, when Edward died when he was only 15, confirming your premonition about him, and then Elizabeth, after Mary died w........ issue. Concerning Mary, it's been suggested you may have entertained hopes that when she a....... to the throne, she would serve as a mediator between Catholics and Protestants, but she proved to be an intolerant Catholic Queen, and she had hundreds of her subjects p...... to death for religious reasons, a fact which e..... her the sobriquet of 'Bloody Mary', which is how she's known in history. Now that you know what happened, can you state an opinion about your daughter's reign?


H: It's not for me to judge her, but I can tell you that her behaviour does not s........ me in the least. I always knew Mary was a fervent Catholic, like her mother.


J: However, you may be pleased to know that as far as Elizabeth, your daughter by Anne Boleyn, is c........., it was a completely different story. 'The Good Queen Bess', as she was sometimes affectionately called, or 'the Virgin Queen', because she never wished to get married, r....... wisely for 44 years; in religion, she was a convinced Protestant, but much more m....... than you or Mary had been and, in the military domain, by d...... the all-powerful Spanish Armada, she gave England days of glory, something that you were never able to a........ Have you got anything to say about her?


H: I'm not surprised e...... Elizabeth was educated as a Protestant, and my blood ran t......... her veins. Regarding her brilliant military success, it shouldn't be forgotten that it was d..... my reign that a permanent Royal Navy was created.


J: Now, King Henry, after so many women in your life, your six wives and the g..... number of mistresses you had besides, can you tell me if there e...... was a woman you really loved?


H: Believe it o..... not, the only woman I ever really loved was Catherine of Aragon, my first wife.


J: You say you loved her, and y...... you repudiated her and had your marriage to her annulled.


H: For pure r...... of state. Much a...... I loved her, the fact remains that she f....... to give me a son. I needed a male heir, and so I had to marry s........ else, but she always had my respect, and I saw t..... it that she was treated fairly, even t..... she had refused to accept my suggestion that she r....... to a nunnery, facilitating in this way the annulment process.


J: Well, Your Majesty, the interview is now c....... to an end, but before we finish, here's my last question to you: I'm sure my readers would like to know, i..... view of the agitated life you led, if you have any r.......?


H: No, I have no regrets. I did what had to be d....... I played my role in English history and, w..... I to be born again, I would do exactly the same, with one exception.


J: What exception?


H: I spent too much time and money o..... festivals, celebrations, banquets, tournaments and t..... like. Actually, it was in the last tournament I took p...... in, in 1536, that I had my unfortunate jousting accident. I fell o..... my horse, and a leg w...... I had suffered years earlier re-opened. The doctors treated it, but it could never be h....... The wound festered and b........ ulcerated, thus preventing me f..... maintaining the level of physical activity I had previously enjoyed, giving me insufferable pain and making hell of the rest of my days on earth, my unsightly o...... hastening my death at the age of 55. Yes, you can be sure that if I were to be born again, I wouldn't make the same mistake.


J: Well, I thank you, Your Majesty, for the s......... of your answers.


H: You are w.......

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Talking Statues: mutilated text.(1st part)

Here you have again the first part of the interview to Henry VIII in my story 'Talking Statues'http://sanchezbenedito.blogspot.com.es/2014/11/historias-y-humor-talking-statues.html, but the text is mutilated. I invite you to fill in the gaps. To help you, I give you the initial letter of every word omitted:


Journalist: Well, Your Majesty, I'm a reporter from The Times, and I'm here to ask you a few questions about your life and r......... I hope you don't mind, as some of my questions might s...... too personal to you.


King Henry VIII: Whether I mind or don't mind is beside the p......., since I've been programmed to answer, to the b........ of my knowledge, any questions I'm asked, no m....... how personal they may be.


J: OK, Your Majesty. Well, we'll s........ the general data everybody knows about, such as date of birth, duration of reign, date of death, etc., and concentrate on those i....... about which you can express an opinion.


K: All right, I'm ready, f......!


J: Well, Your Majesty, generally speaking, History doesn't hold a f...... opinion of your person or your reign. To start w....., you've been accused by some historians of getting rid of anyone who d...... oppose you by charging them with treason and having them b......., even when some, like Thomas More or Cromwell, had previously rendered useful services to the Crown. What do you have to say to this?


K: It is t...... that I ordered the execution of many knights of high standing, including Sir Thomas More and Thomas Cromwell, but you have to b...... in mind that those were turbulent times and the security of the state had to be the king's p........ And I, as King of England, had then p........ enemies: Charles I of Spain, following the annulment of my marriage to his a......, Catherine of Aragon, and P.... Clement VII, after my rejection of papal authority, being the most formidable, though b..... no means the only ones.


J: Well, on the face of it, it seems quite obvious that your reason for rejecting papal authority, initiating the English Reformation was the Pope's refusal to declare your marriage to Catherine n...... and void, but there are historians who argue that you would have finally decreed the separation of the English Church from Rome in any case, because you n..... were a true Catholic. Is that so?


K: No, that's completely false. I was a devout and well-informed Catholic, t..... the extent that my 1521 publication Assertio Septem Sacramentorum('Defence of the Seven Sacraments') earned me the title of Fidei Defensor ('Defender of the Faith), b...... upon me by Pope Leo X. And if Pope Clement had not been so dull-witted,

clearly ill-advised by Charles I of Spain, Catherine's nephew, England would have probably remained Catholic to the p...... day, though I must say that the dissolution of the monasteries would have been inevitable so that taxes once payable to Rome could be trasferred to the Crown, together w..... the riches the religious orders had amassed.


J: Now, for my readers' benefit, I'd like to ask you a few questions about your wives, who played such an important r..... in your life. As is w..... known, you were married six times: first, to Catherine of Aragon, the youngest surviving child of King Ferdinand II of Aragon and Queen Isabella I of Castile. Catherine gave you a d....., Mary, and remained your legitimate devoted wife for 24 years, but still you had the marriage annulled, why?


H: It is true that she gave me a daughter and, before that, she had given b..... to a son - Henry - who unfortunately died seven weeks later, but after 24 years of marriage, it became clear to me that she wouldn't be able to give me a son, and I needed a m..... heir and so did England. In addition t.... that, when she married me, Catherine was the widow of my brother Arthur, and though we had a papal dispensation, I was beginning to feel that we were c...... incest.


J: Come on, Your Majesty, don't be ridiculous! That's a poor pretext. Catherine and Arthur had indeed been married for 20 weeks, but Arthur d...... at the age of 15, which makes it practically impossible for their marriage to have been consummated. And b....., remember you had the papal dispensation, which your father, Henry VII, and the Spanish ambassador, had obtained when you were betrothed to Catherine in 1503, that is six years before you married her, and they had made sure that the dispensation would be valid even if Arthur and Catherine's marriage had been c..........


H: That is as it may be, yet I felt that in marrying Catherine I had acted. c...... to Leviticus 20:21: "He that marrieth his brother's wife, doth an unlawful thing..."


J: But when you married her, she was your brother's w......, not his wife. Isn't it more true then that you wanted your marriage to Catherine annulled because you had f....... madly in love with Ann Boleyn, an attractive young woman in the Queen's entourage, and you were determined to marry her at a..... costs?


H: No, that's w...... As I've already said, I badly needed a male h..... - I even contemplated the possibility of legitimising Henry FitzRoy, the bastard son I'd had by Elizabeth Blount, one of my m..... - but I finally decided to reject Catherine and marry a woman of child-bearing age.


J: Well, be it as it may, in the end you h.... your way, and Anne Boleyn became your second wife. She also gave you a daughter, Elizabeth, but she too f..... to give you the son you desired, but why did you have her beheaded?


H: She was accused of adultery, incest, witchcraft and treason. She was tried, found g....... and condemned to death.


J: You know very well that none of those charges was ever proved, but you were in a hurry to get r..... of her. Actually, the day after her execution, you became engaged to Jane Seymour, one of Anne's ladies-in-waiting, with whom you were having an a......, and whom you married ten days later. But, please tell me, are you really sure, d...... in your heart, that Anne was unfaithful to you?


H: I know she flirted with some men at court but, to be honest, I don't know for sure w....... she actually cuckolded me or not, and I reckon that will r...... a secret for ever.

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